2018 Feb 14 – Aussie Passport Application

AUSTRALIAN LETTER – I think the sender might have been upset!

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. So read it and have a laugh, but be sure to read at the end for the harsh reality of it all.

Dear Mr Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.   How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?    Do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years.It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.  It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.  Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this !

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!   What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthals working there!   And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!   Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?   Nooooo, that’d be too easy and makes far too much sense.   You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo… the one where we’re not allowed to smile?…you bloody morons.

Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me?   Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)  I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL…Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.   However, your rules require that I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!…a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the “right sort of government”..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!


They still exist – parasitically – costly, draining and totally non-contributory to society. Our passports are the most expensive in the world, either $239 or 289 !  That’s because of all the hi-tech built ins there are. The photo can even tell if you have contact lenses. Wonder why there is no finger print and voice recognition because they have all the face recognition stuff. You can’t smile because the measurements they use on your face may be thrown off by .0003 mm if you smile. By the way, why don’t they just use finger print as the scanners are instantaneous and God is still making them unique? It is because facial recognition works with CTV when you are walking in to an airport or a mall, or just down the street, and being a known suicide bomber, or you didn’t turn up to court for a traffic charge, they can detect you. It’s infallible – they say, but the people who have been badly man-handled, roughed up, incarcerated and held as a terrorist for over 28days, all because of the ‘infallible’ facial recognition technology.

So what if I wear dark glasses ??

None of that makes any difference. The number of measurements and ratios that are instantly taken and analysed deals with all those. A cap with ear flaps, wrap around glasses and a scarf around your face over your nose and covering your cheek bones, or a balaclava is the only answer, and then the alarm bells would go off as a ‘suspicious character’ and u would be tasered n thrown to the ground by a SWAT squad with dogs gnawing at you.

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