39 – Nutrition Guide
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower & spinach, with green, yellow & red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman could live long & healthy lives. Then, using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Ice cream & Magnums. And Satan said “You want hot fudge sauce with that?” And Man said “Yes!” And Woman said “I’ll have one with chocolate chips”. And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created healthy corn and wheat that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so attractive. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said “Try my fresh green salad”. And Satan presented Blue cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said “I have given you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them”. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped crayfish tails and fried chicken steaks. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fat adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started to wear stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created MacDonalds and the double cheeseburger. Then Satan said “You want fries with that?” and Man replied “Yes, and super size ’em”. And Satan said “It is good”. And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan chuckled and created the Medicare.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
THEREFORE – Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
RULES FOR HOME SAFETY
If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer!
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
THE YEAR’S BEST HEADLINES OF 2006:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says … Really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers … Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over … What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death … Lazy so-and-so!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant … See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace … It might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a while … You think so?
Cold Wave Linked to Lower Temperatures … Who would have thought!
London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide … They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge … Is there something stronger than duct tape?
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group … Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft … Eating too many beans ?
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks … Taste like chicken?
Dropouts Cut in Half at Local High School … Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors … Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead … How could that happen ?